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Because Nudity is Only Skin-Deep [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
The ShanMonster

[ website | The ShanMonster Page ]
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Amazing [Nov. 18th, 2009|11:30 pm]
[Tags|, ]
[mood | impressed]
[music |Critical Stage - Necrophila]

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Dink Lump [Nov. 18th, 2009|02:12 pm]
[Tags|]
[mood | sore]
[music |Yendri - Machinespirit]

It's that time again.

MeccaMercy iz not liking U: I like this makeup (thanks, [info]snowy_kathryn).

Passive Aggressive Notes: Exactly what it says (thanks, Sara).

how NOT to try and grab the attention of a magazine: Actually, it did grab the magazine's attention, but not in a positive way.

Breathing out of hole in back: Disturbing and fascinating.

Placenta Teddy Bear: Ummm....

The Top 5 Strangest Infomercial Products for Your Ass: Or for your dog's ass. It's all relative (thanks, Ted).

Japanese Have Big Gay Pink Penis Festival: I'm pretty sure this is a far right misrepresentation of Tagata Jinja Hounen Matsuri, which is actually a fertility festival.

Pterodactyl Porn: NSFW. I found it again! I thought it had been lost from the internet. I am relieved it is not.

Music video with naked human furniture: Valley Lodge: NSFW. Cute video (thanks, Terre).

Single Malt Scotch Bars: I think I am in love.

'Female Viagra' boosts sexual desire in women with flagging libido: "Women who took a daily 100mg dose of the drug, called flibanserin, reported having satisfying sex more often than those who took a placebo. Before the trial, subjects reported an average of 2.8 satsifying sexual events per month. Those who took daily flibanserin saw this rise to 4.5 times a month, compared with a rise to 3.7 times a month for those taking placebo. None of the women knew whether they were taking the drug or the sham pills."

Deer loses head-butt with Wisconsin lawn ornament: Pygmalion was an herbivore.



[No]
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Flabia [Nov. 18th, 2009|11:11 am]
[mood | amused]
[music |genCAB - Of Love and Death]

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Party Chez Shan [Nov. 14th, 2009|09:51 pm]
[Tags|, , , ]
[mood | amused]
[music |Peter Murphy - Cuts You Up]

NSFW )
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Latin Lovers [Nov. 11th, 2009|10:57 pm]
[mood | amused]
[music |The Dresden Dolls - Coin-Operated Boy]

I go to the dentist tomorrow to get a tooth deconstructed and reconstructed. Share in my joyous anticipation. I just might fall asleep while the dentist is drilling away. I have seriously become so used to having dental work done, that I do nod off while my teeth are being drilled. That disturbs me somewhat.

Yesterday, I went to Toronto. I had lunch with my buddy Brad, then went and purchased an introductory Latin text and studied it for a couple of hours before going to Starbucks and trying out some independent verb conjugations. In particular, I was conjugating irrumabo and pedacabo out loud in Starbucks.

Latin is often a filthy language. I just like that I can speak the most obscene things loudly in a public setting and appear studious and academic, and not the raging dorky pervert that I was actually being.

Then, later that night, I sat in a room with a dozen or so people who were busily knob bobbing on silicon dongs.

Today, I conjugated periti and pepedi. I've been practicing my classical Latin pronunciation. I need a lot of work. I still sound like I'm speaking with a terrible Italian accent.

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Link Dump [Nov. 11th, 2009|11:44 am]
[Tags|]
[mood | hungry]
[music |Lady Gaga - Bad Romance]

It's been too long since I've cleared my burgeoning tabs. Here goes.....

WTF Belgian TV Show: NSFW, I guess. Surreal, and I have to wonder who this was marketed for (thanks, [info]gha5t).

Rear Gear: Accessorize your pet and remove brown eye.

Fellatio by Fruit Bats Prolongs Copulation Time: I wonder if this is being considered for an igNobel award (thanks, [info]tdr).

Meat Hand: Amazing meat loaf! I want this!

Bees that Drink Human Tears: I'm not afraid of bees, per se, but this would likely send me into conniptions (thanks, [info]elanya).

PhotoSketch: Make the Internet Create Photos for You : Very, very interesting. Makes the cries of "Shopped!" ring all the louder, I suppose.

Girl, 11, weds and gives birth on same day: She's excited to have "a new toy".

World's smallest mother to risk giving birth for third time: She really does look like an anthropomorphic beach ball.

Fear of Girls: Always worth another watch. Love it (thanks, Sabir)!

Lady Gaga: Bad Romance: I started off not liking her, and now I have a non-grudging admiration for her work. This video is excellent (thanks, [info]elanya).

Cell Size and Scale: Coffee beans are big (thanks, [info]f00dave).

Great White nearly bit in half by an even BIGGER monster: Swimmers stay out of the water after warning over giant 20ft shark: With what may be the MOST AMAZING SHARK PHOTO EVER!

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The Sharpshooter [Nov. 11th, 2009|11:29 am]
[Tags|]
[mood | thoughtful]
[music |Lady Gaga - Fancy Pants]

(I wrote this over a decade ago, and think it's worth dusting off for today.)

My nextdoor neighbour for years was an elderly man named Guy. He was a World War Two veteran and an amazing sharpshooter full of numerous fascinating tales. Sometimes I would go outside after school and watch him doing target practice.

He really was amazing with his gun. He could hit the bullseye every time on a target I couldn't even see. One day, he missed his shot by half an inch, and he became very angry. He knew someone had been messing with his scope, and sure enough, one of his sons had used his rifle earlier that week.

As we lived deep within the forest, Guy's sharpshooting was a very useful skill. Every autumn, he would bag a deer to feed his family. He usually gifted us with a little bit of his venison. During the Depression, he used to hunt for all the local families and would bring home many deer, moose, bears, and rabbits. Game wardens turned a blind eye to his activities. He may very well have been feeding some of their families. He also used his gun to protect the people and their livestock.

Normally, the many bears which haunted the area kept to themselves. However, every now and then, one would begin stalking our horses.

Guy owned a vast amount of pasture, and he let us keep our horses there in the summer months. One day, the horses came galloping around the corner in mortal fear. Their eyes rolled in their heads, and their nostrils flared out to the size of pancakes. Something was after them.

Moments later, a single shot rang out.

From approximately one-half mile away, Guy had shot a running bear through the heart. It was an instant kill.

At some point during his travails in wartorn tropical countries, Guy had contracted malaria and become an alcoholic. Although he eventually kicked the booze habit, his past maladies, along with a heart condition and a penchant for chain-smoking and tobacco-chewing, had given him a worn-down look. Gin blossoms bloomed on his nose, his lips and teeth were stained black, his fingers were yellowed with nicotine, and great, phlegmy coughs constantly racked his frame. But he could sure spin a mean story....

I would often visit him after school and listen as he regaled whoever might be there with amazing war stories. Once, he noticed I was reading Farley Mowat's Owls in the Family, and he told me he'd served briefly with Mowat. He didn't have much to say about him, only that Mowat hadn't really been in the hotspots Guy had fought in.

Guy's favourite anecdote dealt with being trapped in a thinly-wooded coppice with other Allied troops. They had taken what cover they could, but seven or eight German planes were cutting them down with machine gun fire. He was certain they would all die, for they had nowhere else to go.

But then he heard a wonderful sound. It was the tacka-tacking engines of three Spitfires. They zoomed in and engaged in a dogfight, taking down every one of the enemy planes, saving the lives of all the ground troops. As they flew away, they dipped their wings in salute.

From that day on, Guy developed a fascination with Spitfire planes, and would hush everyone whenever one appeared on his constantly-blaring television.

Not all of Guy's stories had happy endings, though. Guy had also been involved in trench warfare, and, when he waxed maudlin, would lament his horrific experiences. When Guy was like this, any adults in the house shooed me away. These stories were too gory for a little girl to hear.

But I did hear one of these stories. Once, Guy and his fellow troops were under heavy artillery. The air was almost imperforate with bullets and mortar fire. Guy was terrified, but needed to cross a road. He made a break for it at the same time as another soldier. As they tore across the road, Guy glanced over his shoulder and noticed the soldier running beside him had no head. The soldier made it all the way across the road before collapsing into a trench.

Guy's voice shook as he told this story, and I didn't argue when I was ushered out of the house to play. The gory images of his story haunted me for days. Although I would still play wargames with other kids, I decided war was a terrible thing. John Wayne war movies no longer seemed terribly realistic, and the soldier's life no longer seemed so glamourous.

Of course, these feelings neatly reconciled with Jehovah's Witness theology. According to what I learned at the Kingdom Hall, war was evil and borne of Satan. I was wont to agree. Still, I felt awkward for not wearing a poppy around Remembrance Day. If nothing else, I thought it was good to remember the hell these people went through in order that it may never be repeated.

In 1989, Guy's chain-smoking wife Christine developed lung cancer. Neither of them quit smoking. They were both hardcore nicotine addicts. Christine's condition worsened, and she died that winter.

Guy became a very lonely man, and my father spent more and more time with him. They would sometimes go to wrestling events or watch old war movies together.

Nevertheless, about three months later, Guy died of a heart attack. Rumour has it he died of a broken heart, and I suppose that's quite possible. He certainly wasn't the same after his wife died.

Now, around Remembrance Day, I buy myself a cheesy little plastic poppy. And I remember.
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Happy Birthday/Deathday/GuyFawkesDay [Nov. 5th, 2009|07:27 pm]
[Tags|, ]
[mood | amused]
[music |Steph speaking High Elf to her dad]

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*yawn* [Oct. 28th, 2009|12:22 pm]
[Tags|, ]
[mood | hungry]
[music |Nine Inch Nails - 1 Ghosts I]

Today... Laundry. Making a bunch of creepy masks. Carving a pumpkin. Starting to pack for a weekend of camping.

Links?

Yes.

Speaking Piano: Creeeeeeepy.

Man Charged After Making Coffee Naked: I'm a terminal nudist. I'd be arrested daily.

Chinese 'cat-girl' baffles doctors: Where Savar come from.

'Aura' migraines a stroke risk: This is precisely the kind of migraine I live with. Ugh.

German arm wrestler shows off his single Popeye-esque limb: I'm sure he's heard the vulgar joke I'm thinking.

Succu Dry Sex in a Can: The Hallowe'en fleshlight (thanks, Ted).
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Fluff [Oct. 27th, 2009|07:51 pm]
[Tags|, ]
[mood | headache]
[music |Wolfsheim - The Sparrows and the Nightingales]

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Cherries [Oct. 22nd, 2009|09:12 pm]
[Tags|, , , , ]
[mood | productive]
[music |Solace - Khatar (Alex Mix)]

Savarotica )
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Buzz Buzz Buzz [Oct. 16th, 2009|03:20 pm]
[Tags|, ]
[mood | irritated]
[music |Gary Numan - Slave]

I'm still plugging away at that dadgummed furry porn story. I don't think I've ever had something take so long. Over a week, and I'm still shy of 1000 words. Terrible.

Earlier today, I went to hit a fly and snapped myself a good one in the jaw. I'm just that amazing. My apartment is buzzing with cluster flies. I think it's karma for the disease porn I wrote. But they're driving me CRAZY!

I'm baking another quiche, as I type. It will be delicious. I'm drooling in anticipation.

So now, for your eddification and schadenfreude purposes, I present to you yet another collection of links. Enjoy!

Girl chops off tongue to get the right' groom: "A 19-year-old girl chopped off her tongue inside a Shiva temple and offered it to the god at Jhar village in Bargarh. She did so to invoke the god's blessings to marry the person she desired instead of the match fixed by her parents."

7 Safety Products (for the Incredibly Paranoid): I kinda want to have a Rapex to leave sitting out in my apartment. I think it would be an excellent conversation-starter.

Like a Virgin Kit: I like to think of it as a twat squib.

Interracial couple denied marriage license in La.: "A Louisiana justice of the peace said he refused to issue a marriage license to an interracial couple out of concern for any children the couple might have. Keith Bardwell, justice of the peace in Tangipahoa Parish, says it is his experience that most interracial marriages do not last long."

Train an army of crows to gather treasure for you: "Josh Klein developed a machine that trains crows to trade coins for peanuts. Literally, for peanuts. So you fill this thing with peanuts and set it out, say, in a public park, and the crows will scour the ground for loose change, carry it to the machine, and drop it in a slot in exchange for food." I want one.

$1.5M Russian SUV Features Diamonds, Whale Penis Leather: Uhh...

The Spiders That Decorate Their Own Webs: They have better taste than a lot of people I know.

If a typical picture is worth a thousand words, this one's worth plenty more than that (thanks, [info]tailchaser).
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Boo. [Oct. 14th, 2009|03:31 pm]
[mood | creative]
[music |Massive Attack - Angel]



Someone drive me there nice and early, ok? Please?
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The Dream [Oct. 14th, 2009|08:14 am]
[Tags|]
[mood | nerdy]
[music |traffic]

I'm in a comic shop when a comic book suddenly catches my attention. It's issue 5 of the 12-issue series Poison Elves vs. Alien. I pick it up in excitement, and ask the shopkeep if he has the first four issues, and he says no. Then I wake up.

Damn.
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Speak, Oh Toothless Wonder! [Oct. 13th, 2009|04:26 pm]
[Tags|, ]
[mood | tired]
[music |Front 242 - Until Death]

I woke up hitting myself in the face, Fight Club-style, this morning. I'm not sure what that was all about, but it's good to know I can take out the enemy within.

I live a rich and rewarding fantasy life, and in real life, I get to spend time with some truly awesome people. Now, if I can just figure out where all these damned flies came from and get rid of them, my life will be just about perfect.

The furry porn I'm writing is lagging. It's so hard for me to get into this. I'm just not a furvert. But I will persevere, damnit! I will write about cat people, and the story will somehow be hot. I am determined.

My teeth have started disintegrating again. Some people reject organ transplants. My mouth rejects fillings. I spit one out while grocery shopping with [info]snowy_kathryn. I live your nightmare.

Have a couple of links. You know you want 'em.

Cape Town's passion gap: sexual myth or fashion victimhood?: Pull out your front teeth and be sexy.

Cliff Young – the farmer who inspired a nation: Amazing story about a toothless geezer who ran an ultra-marathon. Read this. I'm floored.

I am not easily squicked. But this video leaves my stomach heaving in displeasure. Thanks, Ted, for showing there are still things that bother me.

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Today. [Oct. 8th, 2009|07:13 pm]
[mood | tired]
[music |Front 242 - Welcome to Paradise]

Today I was called the "queen of getting along with everybody." Another goddamned filling fell out of my head. I started writing another piece of porn: Savarotica (anthropomorphic cats. Oh gods, I'm writing furry porn).

What will tomorrow bring?
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Sexy Time! [Oct. 7th, 2009|09:58 pm]
[Tags|]
[mood | okay]
[music |Massive Attack - Angel]

I made a playlist of sexy music. What is missing from it, if anything?

Here it is, in alphabetical order. The songs range from just plain silly to smouldering.

Shuffle to achieve varying results.

April Stevens - Teach Me Tiger
The Bird and the Bee - Fucking Boyfriend (Peaches Remix)
Bodyrockers - I Like the Way
Bodyrockers - Dirty
Chris Isaak - Baby Did a Bad Bad Thing
Chris Isaak - Very Pretty Girl
Chris Isaak - Wicked Game
Demons & Wizards - Fiddler on the Green
Edwyn Collins - A Girl Like You
Far - Pony
Goldfrapp - Oh La La
Goldfrapp - Strict Machine
Goldfrapp - Twist
INXS - Need You Tonight
INXS - Not Enough Time
Jane Siberry - Temple
Kate Bush - The Sensual World
Lovage - Sex (I'm A)
Lovage - Stroker Ace
Madonna - Justify My Love
Massive Attack - Angel
Paula Cole - Feelin' Love
Puscifer - Rev. 22:20 (4:20 Mix)
The The - Beyond Love
Tricky - Evolution Revolution Love
Tweet - Oops! Oh My!
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The Model [Oct. 7th, 2009|05:38 pm]
[Tags|, , ]
[mood | hungry]
[music |Chris Isaak - Wicked Game]

Just to prove I am capable of writing "normal" erotica, here's a piece I wrote back in 1994.

Enjoy! )
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Variety is the Spice of Life [Oct. 7th, 2009|02:52 pm]
[Tags|, ]
[mood | busy]
[music |April Stevens - Teach Me Tiger]

I am amazed by the people who have written to tell me that The Sick Fuck turned them on.

You guys are seriously creepy. I love you.

I have been challenged to write another off-kilter porn. If I finish my housework in time, I will begin work on it tonight.

Link time.

Iconic Photos: Excellent, thought-provoking photos with a wide variety of subjects.

Early Sydney Mug Shots: Every one of these vintage mug shots is a work of art, showing an enormous amount of character.

A Sight for Sore Eyes Cupcakes: I'm not a huge fan of icing, but I want these (thanks, [info]snowy_kathryn)!

Feather-covered dinosaur fossils found: "A newly described, profusely feathered dinosaur may give lift to scientists’ understanding of bird and flight evolution, researchers report. The lithe creature, which stood about 28 centimeters tall at the hip, is the oldest known to have sported feathers and is estimated to be between 1 million and 11 million years older than Archaeopteryx, the first known bird." That's one goofy-looking critter.

99% of LARP players who Destroy their opponents with ease in combat only win because they have a superior weapon!: That weapon is SEXISM! Now with more T&A!

Fried Butter: The reason why someone is a huge fat-ass.

Cock of Cthulhu: I really want one of these for my mantelpiece. ... Yeah, that's what I call it, today.

Nerve cells live double lives: " Scientists at the Friedrich Miescher Institute for Biomedical Research (part of the Novartis Research Foundation) have identified a new neural circuit in the retina responsible for the detection of approaching objects. Surprisingly, however, this is not the only function the circuit fulfills. The same nerve cells are also responsible for night-time vision" (thanks, [info]f00dave).

It's not lunacy, probes find water in moon dirt: "Three different space probes found the chemical signature of water all over the moon's surface, surprising the scientists who at first doubted the unexpected measurement until it was confirmed independently and repeatedly" (thanks, Jared).

How To Accidentally Throw A Furry Orgy Using Craigslist: Oh dear.

Erection Speedo: NSFW, and absolutely ridiculous.

Horny Dog Jerks Himself Off: NSFW, and surprised the hell out of me. I didn't know they could do that!

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Nauserotica: The Sick Fuck [Oct. 6th, 2009|09:31 pm]
[Tags|, , , , ]
[mood | amused]
[music |Squirrel Nut Zippers - Blue Angel]

I was challenged to write something truly horrible, and not being one to refuse such a revulsive challenge, I went for it.

This is probably not safe for your lunchtime.

It is the tale of a rhyming disease-smith, magical components which emit potent emotions, and two hapless elves.

I've done better endings, but I was eager for this one to be finished. Enjoy.

NSFW )
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